Trump’s Cabinet Picks: The Ayatollah of Mar-a-Lago

6 min readNov 23, 2024

Donald Trump’s new cabinet announcements aren’t just making waves — they’re stirring a tsunami of irony big enough to wash the deck of any thinking person’s brain. The guy who’s spent years shaking his fist at Iran’s authoritarian regime has somehow managed to create his very own version of it. You’ve got to admire the dedication: criticize the “Supreme Leader” while auditioning for the role yourself. Bravo, Don. Let’s break it down, piece by absurd piece.

Loyalty Over Logic: The Art of Picking Yes-Men

Iran’s Supreme Leader has a golden rule: never hire anyone who might outshine you, challenge you, or — God forbid — think independently. Trump? Same playbook. His cabinet picks scream “loyalty first, qualifications optional.” Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense? Fox News fanboy with zero defense chops. Sean Duffy, Secretary of Transportation? Well, he knows roads exist… probably.

This isn’t about running the country; it’s about building an echo chamber. “America First” isn’t a policy anymore; it’s a loyalty oath. Just like Iran’s ideological purity tests, Trump’s cabinet auditions must go something like this: “Do you love me? How much? Great, you’re hired.” This process isn’t even subtle. It’s like hiring the guy who cheers the loudest in karaoke night to run the karaoke machine — and then act surprised when it breaks down.

The trouble with loyalty over logic is that it’s a short-term game. You build a team of yes-men and then wonder why no one tells you the ship is sinking. In Trump’s case, the ship’s deck is gilded, but the hole is still there.

The Fox News Factor: Propaganda as Governance

If you think state-controlled media is bad, wait until the media controls the state. Iran loves its religious clerics and mouthpieces to keep the masses in line. Trump? He’s got Fox News alumni warming cabinet seats like it’s the breakroom at Rupert Murdoch’s house.

Pete Hegseth’s biggest qualification isn’t his military background — it’s his TV gigs where he nods in rhythm with Trump’s talking points. This isn’t leadership; it’s live-streamed loyalty theater. Iran’s state TV wishes it had this kind of production value. The difference? In Tehran, they call it propaganda. In Washington, it’s just Thursday.

Even the optics are strikingly similar. In Iran, the Ayatollah’s clerics ensure the official line is echoed through every megaphone available. Trump’s version involves Fox personalities moonlighting as public officials, as if governing is just another reality show. It’s not governance; it’s branding with a budget.

Controversy: The Coin of the Realm

Iranian leaders love appointing people who make you go, “Wait, what?” Trump’s taking notes. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health? The guy’s anti-vax takes make Jenny McCarthy look like a CDC spokesperson. Linda McMahon as Secretary of Education? WWE meets PTA. It’s like he’s daring the Senate to say, “Are you serious?” Spoiler alert: he is.

The parallels are uncanny. Iran appoints religious hardliners; Trump appoints ideological cultists. Both systems polarize their supporters and critics, turning governance into a WWE-style grudge match. The people? Oh, they’re ringside, watching the circus with popcorn and despair.

In Iran, it’s about consolidating power while keeping reformers at bay. In Trump’s America, it’s about keeping the headlines rolling while daring anyone to challenge the absurdity. And hey, controversy sells. The question is, at what cost?

Centralized Power: Because Who Needs Checks and Balances?

Iran has the Guardian Council to rubber-stamp everything. Trump? He’s building the Department of Government Efficiency. That’s not a joke — he actually tapped Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy to streamline “the swamp.” Translation? Fewer people questioning Trump’s decisions. The man’s dream isn’t draining the swamp; it’s paving it over with gold-plated loyalty statues.

This isn’t efficiency; it’s insulation. Centralizing power works great… if you’re the one holding the reins. But for everyone else? Good luck getting a dissenting voice past the filter. Iran’s Ayatollah would approve of the structure. It’s efficient, sure, but only in the sense that dissent is efficiently silenced.

Want transparency? Sorry, that’s been outsourced to the spin department. Whether it’s the Supreme Leader’s office or the gilded halls of Mar-a-Lago, power is a one-way street.

The Hypocrisy Olympics: Trump Takes Gold

Here’s the kicker: Trump’s spent years railing against Iran for being authoritarian, oppressive, and ideologically rigid. And then, like a guy copying off the wrong test, he builds a cabinet that mirrors everything he supposedly despises. The loyalty tests, the propaganda machine, the cult of personality — it’s all there.

It’s like yelling at a guy for jaywalking while you’re stealing his car. Trump isn’t fighting authoritarianism; he’s plagiarizing it. And the irony? It’s thicker than a Mar-a-Lago buffet line.

Even his foreign policy critics must be scratching their heads. How do you criticize a regime for suppressing dissent while building your own loyalty club at home? It’s not just hypocrisy; it’s performance art.

Conclusion: The Supreme Leader of Irony

Trump’s cabinet isn’t just a team; it’s a statement. A statement that says, “I’ll criticize authoritarianism while auditioning for the role.” Whether intentional or not, his choices highlight a universal truth: power corrupts, but irony makes it entertaining.

In the end, the parallels between Trump and Iran’s leadership aren’t just ironic — they’re comedy gold. The guy who promised to drain the swamp is busy building his own ideological moat. And just like that, America First starts to look a whole lot like Supreme Leader Lite.

Stay tuned for season two: “Make America Iran Again.” Now with extra hypocrisy, fewer checks, and a whole lot of gold-plated absurdity.

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