The Wrong Horse — Narrative Theater, Imperial Junkies, and the Hashtag Revolution

6 min readApr 19, 2025

Let’s cut the crap.

The United States is doing that thing again — you know, the thing where it rummages through the junk drawer of history, pulls out a dusty puppet, slaps on some hashtags, and says, “Look! A revolution!” This time, it’s Iran. And the star of the show? Reza Pahlavi — an exiled monarchist with the charisma of a TED Talk and the political weight of a vintage tea set.

And guess who’s funding this traveling nostalgia act? America’s right-wing stage crew: think tank cowboys, Cold War reenactors, and bored pundits who think “freedom” means franchising democracy like it’s a goddamn Starbucks.

But here’s the kicker: this isn’t strategy — it’s cosplay. This isn’t liberation — it’s brand management with a body count.

I. Meanwhile, in Moscow…

You think General Gerasimov is worried about this? Please. He’s not sweating in some bunker, pacing about Reza’s next Instagram Live. No — he’s probably sipping tea, grinning like a Bond villain watching the West dig its own grave with a selfie stick.

From his view, this whole thing is a circus. The U.S. isn’t deploying influence — it’s deploying delusion.

Reza Pahlavi? He’s not a threat to the regime — he’s a gift. A Western-sponsored royal who still thinks “Prince” is a job title. He’s the geopolitical equivalent of showing up to a street fight with a scented candle.

Gerasimov sees it all: the branding, the nostalgia, the amateur hour politics. And he loves it. Why? Because the more the U.S. believes in holograms, the more it forgets how to fight real wars — the kind fought in minds, in memes, in memory.

II. America’s Favorite Loop: Install, Collapse, Reboot

Let’s look at the pattern, shall we?

Find a dictator.
Prop him up.
Watch it all implode.
Invite the exiles to Washington.
Call them “liberators.”
Wonder why no one in the actual country buys it.

It’s not foreign policy. It’s a bad reality show that’s 30 seasons in and still getting renewed.

We saw it with Afghan warlords who graduated to pundit panels.
We saw it with Iraqi “experts” who sold WMD fairy tales.
We saw it with Cuban dissidents on Miami radio, promising regime collapse for sixty goddamn years.

Now it’s Iran’s turn. And the star is Reza “Let Me Speak to the Mullahs’ Manager” Pahlavi.

But you don’t tweet a revolution. You don’t livestream liberation. And you sure as hell don’t overthrow a theocracy with LinkedIn endorsements.

III. While the Kids Bleed, the King Zooms

Out in the real world — where people actually get shot — something different is happening.

Women are setting headscarves on fire.
Students are throwing rocks, not retweets.
People are dying in the streets for something they believe in, not something they saw in a glossy brochure from CPAC.

Meanwhile, our exiled royal is… doing webinars.

But every time America props him up, the Islamic Republic gets a gift-wrapped propaganda win. “See?” they say. “It’s all foreign-backed. It’s all a Western plot. Ignore the blood, ignore the rage — this is just another Shah waiting in the wings.”

That’s not just bad messaging. That’s betrayal dressed as foreign aid.

IV. What the Kremlin Whispers While Laughing

Picture this: deep inside a Kremlin office, a memo circulates. It says:

“Let them brand their revolutions like cologne. Let them confuse ‘followers’ with followers. The empire is addicted to its own nostalgia. That’s not power. That’s a funeral with a soundtrack.”

They don’t fear Pahlavi. They market-test him.

They know America doesn’t build grassroots anymore — it builds glossy decks and thinks the world will download the update.

V. Power Isn’t Aesthetic

This isn’t about Iran. This is about how the U.S. sees the world — as a series of movie sets where it can cast the good guys and outsource the narrative. But the rest of the world isn’t watching the movie anymore. They’re in the wreckage.

And yet we keep betting on political taxidermy. Ghosts in suits. Brands without movements. Crowns without countries.

We don’t ask what the people want. We ask what our donors and consultants think they’ll support. We don’t build solidarity — we build stage lighting.

Final Scene: The Hashtag Won’t Save You

So here we are, watching a superpower bet its moral capital on a guy whose revolution is better lit than it is lived. And as the bodies pile up in Tehran, as young people chant for freedom that scares both kings and clerics, America is out here selling T-shirts and nostalgia.

They don’t want your prince. They don’t want your empire. They want their future.

And that future doesn’t come with a crown. It doesn’t need permission. And it sure as hell doesn’t need a campaign logo.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a palace restoration to laugh at.

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