Satan 2’s Little Midlife Crisis: Russia’s Rocket Meets Reality

5 min readOct 25, 2024

So, Russia’s got this big bad missile they call the Sarmat RS-28, affectionately dubbed “Satan 2” by Western media. The big pitch? It’s the ultimate “don’t mess with me” symbol. But here’s the kicker — lately, Satan’s been having a bit of a rough time getting off the ground. Repeated test failures have given this monster missile some… performance issues. Apparently, Russia’s most terrifying piece of hardware is like that fancy sports car that just won’t start, no matter how hard you turn the key.

Now, why’s this missile a big deal? Russia wanted this thing to be their “I dare you” card. Load it up with 15 nukes, send it skimming over the South Pole — the route we never thought to block — and boom, deliver Armageddon. Only now, instead of striking fear into the hearts of NATO, it’s making everyone wonder if Russia’s just selling wolf tickets. The symbolism here? Well, “Satan 2” was supposed to put the fear of God in the West. Instead, we’re all sitting here wondering if they should have named it “Lucifer Lite.”

Technical Issues? Try “Potholes in the Road to Apocalypse”

Alright, so what’s wrong with this thing? Early reports suggest some technical hiccups: engine issues, fuel leaks, ignition failures… you name it. Picture this: a missile touted as the pinnacle of Russian military might, reduced to a glorified Roman candle that just sputters and falls. And it’s not just one test either; we’re talking multiple tries here. You gotta feel for the engineers. They’re probably praying this thing doesn’t blow up on the launchpad again while Putin’s watching from the sidelines.

But these failures aren’t just little speed bumps. They’re like a bad Yelp review for Russia’s whole nuclear program. Because if Satan 2 can’t get off the ground, what else is hanging by a thread over there? Russia’s supposed to be trading out its aging SS-18 missiles with these, and now even that plan’s looking as dated as Soviet canned food. Maybe the Kremlin should’ve invested in a few more wrenches and a bit less in doomsday PR.

When the Russian Nuclear Arsenal Looks Like It Needs a Tune-Up

Look, if Satan 2 keeps flopping, it’s more than an embarrassment; it’s a problem. The West has been keeping an eye on Russia’s nukes since, well, forever, and the whole idea was that we should be scared, right? But what’s scarier: a missile that works, or a nuclear arsenal that’s as stable as a drunk at a wedding? You know, when the stuff designed to wipe us all out looks like it could wipe itself out at any minute.

Meanwhile, the West is taking notes. NATO’s scratching its head and saying, “So, maybe they’re not as locked and loaded as we thought?” But don’t get too comfy. Because if Russia starts getting a little too desperate, they might just try to show off what still works, just to save face.

Takeaway: Nuclear Deterrence, Now in Low-Fat

In the grand finale of Russian posturing, the Satan 2 missile was supposed to be the main event. Instead, it’s like going to see a horror movie where the monster is out with a sprained ankle. The nuclear saber-rattling isn’t quite as scary when the saber keeps bending, is it?

NATO and the rest of us are watching, wondering if this missile’s journey from “Satan 2” to “Oops, not again” might mean a little more time to breathe. But let’s not relax just yet — because while the Kremlin might be losing face, they’re not losing pride. And we all know what a dangerous combination that can be.

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